Men, women and attraction

As we know people form relationships for a whole variety of reasons as this diagram shows.


Initial attraction to the opposite sex for men and women can differ. Men tend to be more visually focussed whilst women tend to see more of the whole package in a man. To men physical appearance assumes greater importance compared to the female at least when initially meeting the opposite gender. But it must be remembered that in the psyche of the male there is a difference between what they see as beautiful and what they see as sexual. In the male mind physical beauty in the female is separate to sexual attractiveness in the female. Sometimes they go together but more often than not they don’t.

Having said this, whilst the male is more initially focussed on the physical attributes of the female, men have just as much need for relationship and connection with a partner as women do. After a matter of weeks and certainly months the physical attraction to the female looses its priority in the male mind. It moves down the list of priorities and other things move up higher. Like a sense of connection, commonality and companionship. These become more important for the male in his relationship with the woman. If he is not getting these in his relationship with a woman he will loose interest in the relationship no matter how beautiful or sexual he finds her and the relationship will end.

Business lady

There is however an exception to this and relates to chart on human courtship – dating for psychological need. Some men will use a woman as a trophy. A man who dates a physically beautiful woman quickly learns this increases his status amongst his peers. Everybody likes this to some degree. It’s always nice to been seen by one’s peers as having high status. Most men however will not maintain a relationship with a woman just for this reason because it is not of great importance what his peers think of him. However for a small group it is very important and they will maintain such a relationship because of the effect it has on the peers. This is an eternal problem for the beautiful woman, “Is he with me because he loves me or because I am a trophy for him?” she must ponder. Of course it also works the other way around. The high status male in the eyes of the female finds himself in the same dilemma as he can also be used as a trophy by her.

A man will usually use a woman as a trophy because of his own insecurities and magical thinking as this diagram shows. He has doubts about his own worth and OKness. His Child learns that other men admire him for dating an attractive woman whereupon his A1 magically thinks that this means he must be OK and worthwhile.

Trophy ego states

As a result he maintains a relationship with her based on his own psychological need to feel OK about self not because he loves her or feels a connection with her. Of course the same applies again for the female dating the high status male. She can be motivated to maintain the relationship because of her own insecurities about self.

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