Grief is a finite process

The problem with grief and bereavement is there are so many secondary gains that can be gleaned from it. It is a veritable hot house in which secondary gains can grow. If one has experienced the loss of a close loved one then most other people will respond to that person with the Nurturing Parent ego state, compassion, care and kindness for their loss. For some people that is most attractive. For a person from a stroke deprived background that is very appealing. And that person knows that when they get over their sense of loss and grief that all stops.

For some grief and loss can make for an allower. As we know an allower is a specific permission a person gives self in a specific circumstance. A colleague of mine used to become very upset on the anniversary of the death of her husband each year. She would become so distressed she would take a day or two off work. This had been going on for 9 years. She had a strong work hard driver but her grief allowed her two take two days off for self indulgence. A secondary gain I think one could say. If one has a sad racket then grief and bereavement is the perfect opportunity to go into that racket.


Humans are endowed with a psychological system for grieving. They have a psychological system to go through when one suffers the loss of a close loved one. When they go through that, the grief comes to an end. Grief is a finite process, it has an end. The research is clear on this. It says the grief process should last 6 to 18 months. After that period of time then the grief is over and done with. The grief has allowed you to become detached from the loved one and ready to move on and this takes between 6 to 18 months. Indeed the DSM 5 says if there is intense sorrow and emotional pain for a loved one after 12 months then that is classed as complicated bereavement, a neurotic condition. They also say grief is a finite process that has an end.

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